LEGEND OF ZELDA PART 1

Long ago… The HERO OF TIME was called upon the defend the land of HYRULE. The evil king, GANONDORF, spread his evil and darkness across the land, laying a scourge on its entire people. Only LINK, with the MASTER SWORD, was able to bring justice to Hyrule. As the land changed, so did the hero’s role; savior of the sea, twilight, and phantom. However, an evil power has again risen. Once again, a call goes out the hero…
GARD the guard, followed by two of his cohorts, trotted his horse past the northern most entrance to REGENTS FIELD. He laid his hand against his large broadsword, feeling the cold steel on his hand as the sun warmed the rest of his body. It was uncomfortably warm outside. Only made worse by the standard uniform of the soldiers. All guards were fully equipped in armor, shield, and weapon. Gard, being a captain, was expected to carry a larger than usual sword due to his elevated status.
“Attention!” Gard yelled. His two underlings rode into formation and raised their chins. “The KING has warned that an attempt to infiltrate Regents Field may take place soon. He has ordered that it be our top priority to guard the entrance and report anything suspicious.” He wasn’t sure why the King was so worried. Gard knew from his experience in the overthrow of the previous king that the current one was more than capable of defending himself.
“Sir! Suspicion imminent!” One of the Guards announced.
“What is it!?” Gard angrily responded.
“There is a small piece of wood on the ground near the hedges.”
Gard moved towards the small object. It was carved and curved, a fine job if he should say so himself. Followed by his subordinates, Gard inspected the small trinket.
“It’s just a small stick! What are you getting all worked up for!? If we are going to do our jobs properly, we can’t be bothered by every little…” And the rant continued.
Meanwhile, as the guards discussed the importance of what they believed to be a simple stick, a small, black, spherical object was rolled out from the hedge directly beneath Gard’s horse. Sticking out of the side of the object was none other than a lit fuse, quickly shortening with every passing second.
Gard continued bantering until one of the others interrupted, “Sir… where is that noise coming from?”
Gard, caught off balance from what was turning out to be an excellent lecture, hadn’t noticed said noise. However, now that he was silent, he could hear a small hiss coming from beneath his horse. He reared the horse back, looked down, and found the source of the interruption. As the black bomb flashed red in ever decreasing intervals, all three of the men wished to escape, but all three knew it was too late.
Gard, irritated but accepting at the same time, began his next lines: “Oh Sh”… … … …
Gard was on the ground, head against the stone, facing towards the hedge. He could feel a small flow of blood trickling from somewhere above his hairline. What had happened he wondered. Who could have planted that bomb? Just then, Gard noticed that on this sunny day, he was laying in a shadow. Not just a shadow, but a silhouette. Gard flipped around as fast as he could.
In front of him was a boy in a forest green TUNIC atop what used to be his horse. He had GAUNTLETS on his wrists, BOOTS on his feet, and a SWORD in his hand. Gard eyed it more closely. It wasn’t just any sword he realized. It was the MASTER SWORD, the blade of evil’s bane. Clearly, there was something unusual and special about this boy.
Equally unusual, but not as special… well… special in the bad way… was something small flying around the boy. Gard eyed what looked to be a small ball of light with wings. It didn’t look too menacing…
“HEY! LISTEN!” The small fairy shrilled in a high pitch. Gard reconsidered the threat that the small puff presented. “This is LINK… the hero of… well… many things… and he just used a bomb to blow up you and your buddies by equipping it to the D-PAD on the wii-mote.” (we are in the era of the wii after all)
“Who are you and what the hell is a wii-mote? It sounds dirty.” Gard accurately commented.
“HEY! I’m NAVI… his fairy… I state the obvious and give direction when needed” Navi explained to Gard. Navi then flew up to Link, “Well, let’s get this show on the road. You can perform a finishing maneuver by using Z-TARGETING. And you might as well throw in a catchphrase while you’re at it. You are the hero after all.”
Gard took a moment to gather his thoughts. He wasn’t sure what was happening or what a wii-mote was. As he attempted to get up, he heard the loudest prepubescent yell he had ever heard.
“HYAAAAA!!!!” Link yelled. Elegantly raising his sword, Link jumped off of Gard’s horse and pointed his blade straight down towards Gard’s vulnerable body. Gard now had the Master Sword sticking through his body, and in an instant he turned into a puff of black smoke. (as is the way with all Zelda baddies)
“Bravo on the catch phrase… I think you’ll have to say that every single time you attack someone from here on out.” Navi stated. “um… jk… you really don’t have to”
Link, ignoring that ‘jk’ said “. . .” and nodded in agreement. He wasn’t sure what to expect on this journey. All he was sure of was that he’d most likely be fighting someone whose name begins with G and ends with ‘anondorf.’ Not that he wanted to spoil the plot or anything. It’s just… why does every adventure need to end with the same villain? Is it impossible for another person to be evil in this land Link wondered. What about PMCs? What about global warming? And why would Andross take over a dinosaur planet?... That’s just silly. If anyone is the villain, it is those dirty writers…
“HEY!” Navi yelled, destroying Links deep train of thought. “Shouldn’t we be making our way to REGENT’S FIELD? Perhaps we can find a MAP to make our journey easier?”
Annoying as hell or not, Navi was correct that it was time to enter Regent’s Field. And while a map would make his life easier, Link really wanted to find the new item hidden there, that was inevitably part of the map/compass combo. Unfortunately, Link knew that he was destined to find the boring stuff first…
Entering the field on its northern side, Link and Navi were treated to a beautiful cinematic view of the different areas that they would be traversing. Panning from location to location, green grass and trees covered much of the area. A small stream flowed to the west into a lake. Directly south was a garden featuring statues of a variety of creatures ranging from small elves to large balroths. Finally, in the east, was a dense and spooky forest, well suited for a hideout of some kind.
Link was on the ground, rapidly and intently drawing on a sheet of paper.
“LISTEN!” Navi shouted. “What are you doing!?”
“. . .” Link replied.
Luckily, Navi was an expert at interpreting Link. “You say you don’t need to find the MAP any longer because the cinematic showed you all you need to know…” Navi stated. “What about the HEART PIECES! And MAGIC BOTTLES! Not to mention what your fans will think!”
Link, annoyed, thought that perhaps this would tide her over. He held the map over his head and a midi fanfare played, giving the impression that something important had just been found.
“YOU GOT THE MAP!!!” The fanfare said.
“To check it, press the 1 BUTTON.” Navi chimed in.
Link examined the map (using the 1 button of course). Hmmm, the evil hideout is in the east. Well, this doesn’t take a genius to figure out he concluded.
Link dashed down the eastern path, missing every rupee filled bush and rock as he went. On the horizon lied the spooky forest. Dark clouds gathered over it, as a dark purple haze crept up over the trees. Well this is unexpected Link thought to himself sarcastically.
“HEY!... LISTEN!” Navi shrieked in Link’s face. “Just where do you think you’re going!?”
“. . .”
“You can’t just GO to the spooky forest FIRST! You have to needlessly travel to every location in the area, eventually ending at the spooky forest…”
Link said “. . .” But his face said F*** you.
“Hey now! No need for profanity. I think this game is rated teen… maybe even E.” Navi pointed out.
Game?... Link thought to himself. What was she talking about? Oh well. Link turned and again began traveling towards the spooky forest.
“Fine! Go straight to the spooky forest, but when you run into some spikey bushes or a big locked gate that you can’t pass, don’t complain to me.”
Link was annoyed. That stuff didn’t happen for real, did it? Nah he thought. After traveling a bit longer, he felt something grabbing his leg. Jeez, I know that fairy has a crush on me but this is too much he mused.
“HEY! I’m up here…” Navi explained.
Looking down, his leg was quickly being entwined by the vine of a purple headed flower. Oh son of a ‘. . .’ he thought.

To be continued…